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PROMOTING EXCELLENCE IN NYC MULTI-FAMILY BUILDING OPERATION AND MAINTENANCE

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Porters, Handymen, and Doorman, or PHD's Blog
 
 

Jokes & Anecdotes

 
     
 

 
 

Go to Jokes

Heard a good joke lately having to do with supers, building management, handypersons, porters, etc.?

Or do you have a true story that actually happened to you, saw happen to someone else, or heard about? Jokes and anecdotes do NOT have to be true, but if what you share with us is true, please tell us - sometimes they're even funnier when true.

Why not share it with us? Send an email with your joke and we promise to consider it for inclusion on this page. It may be as long or as short as you want.

If you do NOT want your name included as the contributor of your joke / anecdote, don't send it as part of your email.

 

 

 

  Jokes & Anecdotes  
 
 

A Snail's Pace

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.

After shopping around a while, he decided that the Nissan 300-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Nissan dealer and says he wants to buy the 300-Z, but he wants it repainted to read "300-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

contributed by Dick Koral, 12/28/2007

 

 
 

But Who's Minding the Potato Salad?

The children were lining up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large basket of apples.

The nun made a note, posting it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Further along the lunch line at the other end of the table was a large plate of chocolate chip cookies. A child had quickly scrawled a note, "Take all you want -- God is watching the apples."

 

 
 

The Envelope Please

A new property manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing property manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months later there is a major snafu, everything goes wrong and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope.

The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About six months later the property manager experiences another huge, seemingly insurmountable problem at one of the properties he manages. The manager quickly opens the second envelope.

The message reads, "Reorganize!"

This he does, and the situation quickly changes for the better.

Three months later, at his next intractable crisis, he opens the third envelope, hoping to find more of his predecessor's sage advice.

The message inside says only "Prepare three envelopes."

contributed 09/04/2007

 

 
 

The Drinking Bandido

A Mexican bandit, after a long ride decided to stop at the local saloon for a drink.

He slammed his fist on the bar and demanded a strong drink. The bartender made him a drink and the bandit drank it like kool-aid.

This made the bandito irate and thundered at the bartender, "If you don't make me a strong drink I'll shoot everyone in this saloon!"

The bartender complied by putting together all of his strongest drinks in a tall glass, and threw into the glass a stray rifle bullet as well.

The bandito drank it and left.

The next day the bandito arrived again and asked for a strong drink, "But a little weaker than the last one, bartender, because yesterday on way home I farted and I killed my horse."

 

 
 

Sense(s) And Sensibility

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish, upscale, Upper East Side building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, reeking of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

Three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and the door opens.

Before she leaves, she looks both women in the eye, bends over, cuts a loud smelly one and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"

 

 

 

George and the Dragon

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon."

He knocked.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she shouted.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!" she shouted again.

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"


 

 
 

Why can't you starve in the desert?

Because of all the sand which is there!

contributed by William Aristovulos

 

 

 

Stand-up Comedy 

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up." said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

 

 
 

Keep On Truckin'

A truck driver was driving his cargo merrily along on the freeway when a sign came up that read, "LOW BRIDGE AHEAD".

Before he knew it, the bridge loomed before him, and he got stuck under the bridge.

In a very short time, traffic was backed up for miles behind him.

Finally, a police car drove up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, "Got your truck stuck, huh?"

"No," the truck driver said.  "I was delivering this bridge when I ran out of gas."

 

 
 

Exercising Discretion

Seen in a property management office:

THIS HEADQUARTERS REQUIRES NO PHYSICAL FITNESS PROGRAM. Everyone here gets enough exercise:

1) Jumping to conclusions.
2) Flying off the handle.
3) Carrying things too far.
4) Dodging responsibilities and
5) Pushing their luck.

 

 
 

Precalculus

One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch: "My life is all math: I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."

 

 
 

It's All In The Pronunciation

A trucker who I received calls from one day was angry because he was assigned to deliver furniture from the Carolinas. His frantic calls started from South Jersey.

I told him to take it easy and continue up I-95 until he saw the Holland Tunnel signs. He called me every half hour. It was frustrating to both him and me. Every time he called he was more upset. He had a deep southern accent.

Exhausted, he arrived at the building at 6:30PM! I had almost forgotten about him. He came up to Luis the concierge and declared, "Om here to see Nan Sea!" Luis thought for a while and replied, "there's no Nancy here."

The trucker repeated himself with anger and disappointment several times. Luis repeated himself.

Tension mounted between the two.

Finally, I intervened, " Luis, he means 9-C!" The trucker gave deep southern sign of relief and has never returned to New York City.

contributed by Jim

 
 

Hearing Loss

Afraid that his wife is losing her hearing, the husband tests her by walking right behind her and gently asking, "Can you hear me?"

 
She doesn't answer. He get even closer and asks again, louder
 
No answer.
 
Finally he asks her one more time, loudly. His wife turns around and hisses, "For the third time - YES!"

 

 
 

I heard it's the Chinese New Year of the Dog

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue - Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful - Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.- Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person - Andy Rooney

We give dogs the time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare.  And in return, dogs give us their all.  Its the best deal man has ever made - M. Acklam

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult - Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down - Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog - Franklin P. Jones

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons - James Thurber

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise - Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money - Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea - Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man - Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that! -  Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole - Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them - Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good of a person as my dog already thinks I am

GONG XI FA CAI !!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!  01/28/06 contributed by Bill Aristovulos

 

 
 

Sweet Old Ladies

How do you get a nice ,sweet, little, 80 year old lady to say the "F" word?

Answer: Have another nice, sweet, little, 80 year old lady yell "BINGO" 01/22/06 contributed by Bill Aristovulos

 

 
 

The photographer

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a huge forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"

The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?" 01/16/2006 contributed by Glen Stoltz

 

 

 

Modern Version of the Birds and Bees  

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
 
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
 
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button......nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
 
You've Got Male!
 12/18/05 contributed by Bill Aristovulos

 

 
 

 

Chicken or the Egg  

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard, smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on HIS face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!" 11/26/2005 contributed by TheSuperBlogger

 

 
   

Living Will

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV. 11/10/2005 contributed by Glen Stoltz

 
 
   

Diagnostic Terms

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife." 11/10/2005 anonymous contribution

 

 
   

What's For Dinner

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand 15 feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer and asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet--still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!" 11/08/2005 anonymous contribution

 

 
 

 

Alpha Male

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

 "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in." 10/05/2005 anonymous contribution

 

 
   

Dr. Mechanic, MD

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."
07/20/2005 anonymous contribution
 

 
   

The Moneyed Class 

A proud father was showing a fellow worker a picture of his five grown sons. His friend asked what they did for a living.

The father said the older two are doctors and the youngest two are lawyers.

The friend asked about the middle son and the father said, "Oh, he's a plumber. Someone had to pay for all the others' educations." 04/29/2005 contributed by: Glen Stoltz

 

 
   

Voice of Experience 

Two men were golfing together one day, a very young man and his grandfather. Young man finds himself with a tough shot, with a large pine tree right in front of his ball, and directly between his ball and the green. After a lively debate on the best way to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the grandson swung hard, hit the ball up and right smack into the top of the tree trunk. It dropped back on the ground almost exactly where it had originally lain.

Whereupon the old man said, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall." 03/31/2005 contributed by: Glen Stoltz

 

 
 
 
You Get What You Pay For
 
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.

The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but also couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today." 03/20/2005

 

 

 
 
It's a Zoo Over There
 
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the week before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he will dress up in the gorilla's skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but hey, he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage.

The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.

During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage!

As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!" 03/04/2005 contributed by: anonymous

 

 

 

 

Excuse Notes from Parents

  • My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

  • Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

  • Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,  30, 31, 32, and also 33.

  • Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

  • Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

  • John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

  • Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He  was hurt in the growing part.

  • Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

  • Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

  • Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has  very loose vowels.

  • Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words in the ( )'s were crossed out]

  • Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

  • Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

  • Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

  • I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

  • Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.  We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

  • Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

  • My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

  • Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.  He had a cold and could not breed well.

  • Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

  • Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

  • Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

  • Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach.  Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

02/10/2005 contributed by: anonymous

 

 

 

 
 
 
How Much Do You Know?
I am not young enough to know everything. (seems only the young know it all). Now, when I was a teenager I knew it all.

The know it all never seems to learn anything because he/she knows too much already.

On know-it-alls... they know everything except one thing: that they don't know how much they don't know.

You know, its not how much you know, but rather how much you know that no one else knows. 09/15/2004 contributed by: Peter Grech

 

 

 

 

Signs Of The Times

  • At the electric company: We would be de-lighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.

  • Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc.  Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

  • On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian - except the dog.

  • At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

  • In a non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

  • On an Electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.

  • On Maternity Room door: Push, Push, Push.

03/24/2004 submitted by: anonymous

 

 

 

 

 

Think YOU can predict the future?

Consider this:

  • “We don’t like their sound. Groups of guitars are on their way out.” –Decca Records, in turning down a recording contract with the Beatles in 1962
  • “Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” –Popular Mechanics, 1949
  • “The telephone may be appropriate for our American cousins, but not here, because we have an adequate supply of messenger boys.” –British expert group evaluating the invention of the telephone
  • “They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist--.” – General John Sedgwick’s last words, uttered during a U.S. Civil War battle, 1864

03/19/2004 submitted by Glen Stoltz

 

 

 

 
 
True Story
 
A New York City Resident Manager is teaching a class on "How Your Building Works" at Hunter College. At the conclusion of the class a grinning student comes up to him.

He points to a paragraph in the handout material, and says: "If I were YOU I'd change this word before you teach the class again - as a gay man from Greenwich Village, I COULD be offended by it."

Teacher looks at the offending word to which he is pointing - it reads, instead of Home Entrance: Homo Entrance.  10/15/2003 submitted by GS

 

 

 

 

 

One HOT summer day in 1999, a Local 32B-32J porter was sitting outside the World Trade Center having his lunch.

As he ate he heard someone tapping on the window from inside the building.  As he turned he saw a man with a sign that read:  "It's 65 degrees in here."

He smiled and wrote his own sign that read:  "It may be cool in there, but it's $15.95 an hour out here."
 11/15/99, submitted by Edward Wright

 

 
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